Yahooisme & democratie

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Gepubliceerd in "Spiegeloog", maandblad van de faculteit voor psychologie van de UvA in maart 1989.

Yahooisme & democratie

Zoals de aandachtige student van de werken van Engeland's grootste anthropoloog Doctor Lemuel Gulliver weet, is het grootste deel van de empirisch-menskundige studies van Doctor Gulliver door zijn biograaf J. Swift verbrand of (met assistentie van W. Disney, Ph.D., F.R.S) verwerkt tot verwaterde kinderverhaaltjes.

Het is dan ook met gepaste trots dat ik hier kan onthullen dat in de nalatenschap van de erven Theodorus Vangrult - de kaptein van "the Amboyna of Amsterdam" waarmee Captain Gulliver na zijn reis naar Laputa terugkeerde - een manuscript is gevonden van de hand van Captain Gulliver betreffende Lindalino "the second city of Laputa", kort beschreven in hfdst. 3 van de onsterfelijke "Voyage to Laputa" ("a country much like Holland, especially if one considers the dullness of its inhabitants", in de woorden van Dr. Gulliver).

Uit ruimtegebrek kan ik hier helaas alleen een enkele passage betreffende de UfA, de universiteit van Lindalino, citeren, die wellicht niet geheel vrij is van lering en vermaak. Na uitgelegd te hebben hoe hij Lindalino bereikte, vervolgt de geleerde doctor aldus:

Human beings are rationalizing animals, ideological apes - or so they would be, if they had not, by the good grace of our dear Lord, a rational soul. It is by means of this rational soul that men find what small measure of happiness is allotted to them, since it enables them to move their attention from solving real problems to indulging in the sweetest of dreams and delusions, thereby greatly contributing to their felicity if not their well-being.

The truth of this general proposition I found strongly confirmed in the city of Lindalino, which is largely given to the study of science in its municipal university, that goes by the name UfA, and to the practice of democracy, by which the Lindalinians mean that anyone of those unhappy mortals who is not quite like the rest is, in his or her own interest, terrorized until he or she is just like anybody else, or dead.

The Lindalinians must be among the most curious and happiest people on earth, a state of affairs they owe largely to their miraculous democracy and to the genius of two of their greatest thinkers, the illustrious doctor Fraud (soul-healer) and the eminent professor Cant (philosopher).

Although the Cantian teaching is so obscure that it can be fully understood only after a prefrontal lobotomy (that incidentally also greatly contributes to one's social popularity and to the degree of democracy), which, because of its markedly liberating effects on thinking is only permitted to philsophers, for who it is mandatory, it may be explained simply in its purpose and effect.

The purpose of the great philosopher Cant was to provide everyone with a philosophy, that is, a set of sophistries and illusions to make the miseries of life bearable.

Seeing that there are at least 3500 religions, all equally true; 100s of philosophies, all equally intelligent and informed; and 100s of political plans, all equally sensible, the illustrious Cant concluded that

1. Truth does not exist
2. Everybody is equal
3. All societies are equally rational and equally good.

The Lindalinians hold that these immortal doctrines greatly contribute to universal happiness: Thanks to Cant, even the most idiotic creed cannot be false; even the most stupid fool may become a well-paid and honoured political leader; and even the most cruel government may claim its own human excellence.

Especially when combined with Lindalinian democracy - all are equal or beheaded - this provides enormous chances on emancipation (= careers, riches and prominence, in Lindalino) for the great majority of human beings, which is why Cantianism finds great democratic support.

However, although the great Cant saw deep, he did not see all, and in particular he was blind to that kind of deplorable human perversity that insists that some doctrines are more probable than others; and some societies more pleasant to live in than others.

It is here that the immortal Fraud, who was a specialist in human derangements, made his invaluable contributions, which may be summarized by the following three propositions:

1. All humans have great problems, especially if they don't believe this.
2. All human problems can be solved by studying Cant and paying a Fraudian half of your income, unless your are young and attractive, in which case therapeutical miracles are wrought on the couch, by administrations to a member of the Fraudian brotherhood.
3. Whoever refutes Cant or Fraud thereby proves the truth of these doctrines.

The results of these teachings on human happiness and civilization, in Lindalino, are great and salutory and are called Yahooism ("with a human face") i.e. what we English sometimes call Humanism.

Yahooism is completely tailored to the human needs, the human qualities, human attitudes and human strengths, of the Lindalinians, and in many ways a straight, if popular, offshoot from the immortal teachings of Fraud and Cant, and may be illustrated e.g. by the practices in the university of Lindalino.

The Lindalinian university UfA, which means, in English, perhaps surprisingly for the naive, University for Asslickers, which - anthropologists will neither be surprised nor be scandalized to acknowledge - is the most respected democratic habit, in Lindalino, as it is the only way to become loved and appreciated there, or make a career.

The degree of asslicker is the only academic rank the UfA provides: it means that the candidate has completely perfected his social and scientific talents, and is, as it is called, a full-ranking ASS: Arselicking Supreme Specialist.

The Ufa is totally democratized, and mainly committed to socially relevant teachings and practices, that can be democratically understood by all, like Careerism, Pedophiliacs, Lesbopolitics, Clinical Psychology and Emancipation.

Real science is hardly practised, because, so Lindalinians hold, it is undemocratic and elitarian, and because the Lindalinians consider it not socially relevant, in Lindalino, in which they are wholly right.

The Ufa, being completely democratized, has elections every other week because, in Lindalino, it would be very undemocratic if one discriminates between people who know something and people who don't, and because scientific questions are most satisfactorily decided by majority-voting, in Lindalino.

Nobody learns anything but socially relevant subjects like Masturbatology (Applied, Theoretical and Empirical: "Anything worth doing is worth doing well", as is written over the entrance of the Royal Academy) which is one reason all students of the UfA are very contented.

Also, the UfA is primarily given to Emancipation (=Careerism, democratized) which is what especially the students and their party (called the ASFA = Association for Students's Financial Advancements) desire, and which is completely democratically guaranteed by giving all (and only) prominent ASFA-members a job in the university, and the rank of ASS honoris causa, as a reward of their emancipatory activities.

Much of the time of the students in the UfA is spent in socially relevant activities like voting and fighting with the police, for the Lindalinians have instituted the great practice of what is called revolutionary folklore: As soon as 50 or more youn Lindalinians don't feel well about anything whatsoever (but preferably something happening elsewhere, faraway on the globe), they start killing each other in a stadium that the Lindalinian government has thoughtfully provided for them, or else go to the center of the city and start destroying it.

Since this is all folklore anyway, and since the Lindalinian police is remarkable effective in protecting the wares of shopkeepers, nothing more important is wasted than human lives, which, in Lindalino, are without commercial value anyway.

All in all life in Lindalino seems very happy: As noone knows anything, noone feels troubled by anything; as everyone is equal or equalized, noone feels discriminated; as every society is equally good and rational, the Lindalinian is best, the Lindalinians proudly hold.

And so its three classes of citizens seem to enjoy their days in happy profligacy and pleasant emptiness: The common people are glued all day to their dream-box - a Lindalinian invention, on which the most stupid Lindalinians (which are, in this markedly democratic society, those who, for egalitarian reasons, are loved and admired most) may be seen all day playing the most inane games and killing each other without cease for no reason at all, to the great interest, benefit, and instruction of all viewers; the intellectuals are greatly admired, by themselves, for discoursing lengthily and incomprehensibly on absolutely nothing at all, and proving it with an accuracy of 7 decimals, by which they find great fame and riches; and the government consists without exception of titled intellectuals (ASSes Minor and ASSes Major, with two or more degrees). Of course,.......

....en hier breekt het manuscript af. Tot zover dus de geleerde Dr. Gulliver, zonder wiens anthropologische bijdrages (opgeschreven door ghostwriter Swift, helaas onvolledig, zoals we hebben gezien) de mensheid een zoveel geringer inzicht in haar eigen hoedanigheden zou hebben. Helaas is het, na nog maar pas 17 jaar universitaire democratie, nog niet mogelijk gebleken om, in Holland - al is het "a country much like Laputa", om Dr. Gulliver te variŽren - een zo perfect systeem voor produceren van menselijk geluk en kennis als dat van Lindalino te creŽren.

Het stemt ondergetekende echter tot grote tevredenheid dat het wijze beleid van het CvB, de fractie Progressief Personeel en de Asva, een universiteit heeft opgeleverd die weliswaar nog niet ideaal is, maar in de limiet tendeert naar de praktijk van dat wonderbaarlijke volk waarover Dr. Gulliver ons, helaas onvolledig, van heeft kond gedaan: Yahooism with a human face.

Maarten Maartensz

Geschreven en gepubliceerd in mei 1989, in "Spiegeloog", maandblad van de faculteit voor psychologie van de UvA.

De maand mei was 25 jaar lang de tijd van de Universiteits-Raad verkiezingen, en dit stuk werd geschreven (met hulp van dominee Jonathan Swift en kaptein Lemuel Gulliver) als vervanging van een wat scherper stuk dat "Burofascisme, allemaal burofascisme!" heette, waarmee ik burocraten - d.w.z. uit gemeenschapsgeld betaalde hoeders van het algemeen belang - bedoel, die handelen alsof, of beweren dat, zij geen persoonlijke verantwoordelijkheid en geen persoonlijke aansprakelijkheid hebben.

In Nederland is dit soort "medemens" (zijn het trouwens wel (mede-)mensen, als ze, klaarblijkelijk, geen werkelijk geweten hebben en alleen principes kunnen huichelen, maar niet volgen?) door de hele geschiedenis rijk vertegenwoordigd in alle geledingen van het bestuur, wat althans een deel verklaart van de Nederlandse rijkdom als gevolg van de slavenhalerij in de 17e en 18e eeuw, de Nederlandse rijkdom als gevolg van koloniale uitbuiting (19e eeuw), en de opstelling van zeer vele burocratisch en bestuurlijk werkzame Nederlanders in en na de 2e W.O. (20ste eeuw), vooral in - "socialistisch" (lees: heroinehandelaarsparadijs) - Amsterdam, en aan de 25 jaar lang zwaar "socialistisch" bestuurde UvA. Ik geef een - zeer onvolkomen en onvolledig - lijstje, om de gedachten wat nader te bepalen over dit type::

Rost van Tonningen, Van Thijn, Aantjes, Karremans, Lisser , Sarruco, Giske, Segers, Van Oostveen, Nordholt, Takens ... de lijst van Nederlandse bestuurders die alleen - heel geslaagd, vooral na media-training (kosten - zie Winnie Mandela Sorgdrager, die zich uit de drugsproblematiek leerde liegen via dit soort trainingen - 3000 gulden p.d., ten laste van 's lands schatkist) een geweten kunnen huichelen, maar er - kennelijk - intern geen hebben is zeeeeeeeer lang, en dit is maar een heel bescheiden beginnetje, dat bovendien sukkelt aan onvoldoende informatie over de burofascistische rijkworders als gevolg van drugshandel in Amsterdam.

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P.S. 16 aug 2009: Zie de canonieke tekst, nu op mijn site.