1A. Sonnet 78
1B. For Judith - 1
2B. For Judith - 2
3. O Judith
This is a Nederlog of
Thursday, August 7.
It is not a crisis log but
consists of some English poetry I wrote in 1985, when I was in love
with a woman whose name was Judith. These are sonnets, and are preceded
by two sonnets by Shakespeare, that did - in part - inspire the sonnets I wrote that follow them. There also is a brief afterword.
1A. Sonnet 78
So oft have
I invoked thee for my Muse
1B. For Judith:
And found such fair
assistance in my verse
As every alien pen
hath got my use
And under thee my
Thine eyes, that
taught the dumb on high to sing
And heavy ignorance
aloft to fly,
Have added feathers to
the learned's wing
And given grace a
Yet be most proud of
that which I compile,
Whose influence is
thine and born of thee.
In others' works thou
dost but mend the style,
And arts with thy
sweet graces gracèd be;
thou art all my art and dost advance
high as learning my rude ignorance.
so I feel when I see thee
And stand enrapt'd in awe and bliss
As all the me that is in me
Becomes engulfed by thee and all that is.
For all Nature seems to shine through thee
As I stand and stare and silently sing
In answer to the epiphany I see
For thou embodiest every thing.
Through thee I see all Nature flow
All shines through thee and thou in all -
So what can I do but gently bow
And tell thee how thou made'st me fall:
That thou art all and all is thee
And all in all make'st thou me see.
2A. Sonnet 87
Farewell: thou art
too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing:
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,
And for that riches where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me in wanting,
And so my patent back is swerving.
Thyself thou gav'st, thy own worth then not knowing,
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,
Comes home again, on better judgment making.
Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.
thou seem'd so good, so fair to me,
So much a fullfilment
of my life's quest,
That I beheld all
Nature's perfections in thee
And seeing thee I felt
most heavenly bless'd.
Now thou tell'st me I
am most sorely mistaken
And could'st neither
love me nor like me nor be my friend,
And would'st believe
me thou wish't of me be forsaken,
And desire'st that our
companionship be put to an end.
As if I merely
projected my fond false dreams onto thy face;
As if thou art blind
to me and my great and heartfelt humanity:
As if the perfection
thou has't presented to my stun'd gaze
Is nought to thee but
a base projection of my blind stupidity.
But is he
blind who can see human perfection in a woman's face
who rejects such a vision as if it were a disgrace?
you I thought I saw all in all and all human perfection -
Intelligence, courage and compassion found in you
Yet seeing a human goddess I doubted my eyes and had
That no actual person could live up to all implied
by such a vision.
So I, hesitant yet struck to my core, asked you to
meet me and know me
To let our selves meet, mingle or merge and find out
if we could see
Whether the me in you and the you in me could grow
into a shared we
In which each could see each and all and realize our
Now, having met once you refuse to see me: It seems
I shocked you
With too much arrogance, too many ideas, and with
strong poetry too -
As if the less arrogant, less thinking, less
poetical men you are used to
Are kinder, more sensitive, more human than me:
Could this be true?
O Judith, are you sure I am
neither worth meeting nor worth knowing;
Are you sure true
understanding and appreciation do not need growing?
In fact 1985 was
year I have had between 1979 and 2014, and I was the first half of that
year very much in love with
Judith, but it didn't work out, not so much because of things she did,
mostly - I think - because I was both impatient and hesitant, the last
I also suppose that I may have seemed a bit arrogant about ordinary men
and women, which she did not like, quite in the spirit of
times, where in Holland almost everyone, including almost all
intellectuals, affirmed proudly that "all men are equal". None of them
seemed to have even seen the elementary deduction that, if so,
they all were the equals of Eichmann, and none of them ever raised the
point that intellectuals are much better paid than workers. 
Also, while I did write some more poetry, mostly in English, I never
felt much like writing poetry, and I did so almost only when I was in love.
But then I could do it, as shown by the above, that also were all
three written very fast.
As to the love I
had: I think it is pretty rare, though some other men
and women clearly have it too. It is quite romantic; no doubt quite
idealistic; and also often false, in that one made assumptions about
the person one loves that simply do not fit, and do not fit by a large
This also was the case with Judith, with whom it started quite well,
rapidly showed she was more common than I thought, for she - and it was
1985, when this was all supposed to be very moral, while in
2014 it seems as if, for quite a few of my proud Dutch fellow men, one
must have four Dutch grandparents to be deemed "equal" by real average
Dutchmen - insisted to me that all men are equal and
that I was too arrogant, which she did not like.
Well... I never denied that I may impress others as arrogant, indeed
reason also, but what choice do I have with an extremely high IQ, which
whatever it means 
implies that I am more intelligent than most, except to say -
occasionally, and not often - that I am
quite intelligent, even while I was surrounded in 1985 by some 15
million men and women who all insisted, to the best of my
knowledge, and evidently completely falsely and
contrary to their own internal beliefs, that "all men are
equal" - from Eichmann to Einstein? 
This was also my reason why my love for her was over, quite suddenly
also: I do not mind it when ordinary people insist - quite
falsely, I am convinced, simply from their statements about the near
divine qualities of the soccerplayers and popular singers they admire -
"all are equal", but I do mind being equalized to the dumbest
of the dumb, logically speaking, by a woman whom I loved.
Then again, I did not blame her: at least she was quite clear
while I was quite mistaken. I have seen her quite a few times
in the street in the years following 1985, though not anymore after the
early nineties, and she always gazed at me with a fairly odd gaze, but
I never renewed the brief and friendly acquaintance which we had had,
indeed because she had insisted that all men are equal: I do not
believe that and I do not pretend that I believe it either.
Finally, a remark about the poetry I wrote and reproduced above: it is
quite close to what happened, but one of the important things for me
that did influence me that is not mentioned is that I was ill,
which tied me in and limited me considerably, in spite of the fact that
1985 was the best year between 1979 and 2014.
 Yet this does
deductively follow, in case you doubt this. As for the Dutch:Nearly
everyone said, between 1970 and 1990, very many times also,
that "all men are equal". I did not believe that at all, and believed
that at least the more intelligent all lied, but no one as much
as admitted to me that someone who believes that all men "are equal"
should believe that he or she and Eichmann are equals, for that
In any case, here lies a large difference between me and the
great majority of the Dutch, that probably is best covered by saying
that nearly all lie very much easier than I do about anything they
think they should conform to.
It is also true that my parents and grandparents were heroes of the
resistance, and communists or anarchists; were all quite intelligent;
did certainly not believe that "all men are equal" (except in terms of rights,
which never was realized anywhere, the last 2500 years, and which is
certainly not what most men meant); and that I got a communist
education, that probably was more free and less dogmatic than that of
 For I do not really believe
this is a good measure of intelligence, as is also shown by Richard Feynman's
IQ of 125, which is plainly ridiculous.
 This is quite as it was, and I know
that so well because I was faced with it many times in the University
of Amsterdam, which was in part because I just could not believe that
the people claiming it (students and staff) were honest, but I never
could move anyone from their completely false and dishonest
pretended "conviction" that they were as good as anyone,
and anyone was as good as they were.
This probably explains rather a lot about me, since I could never
believe this and never said this. In fact, everyone is unique, and
there is no common measure for all that is both just and rationally
And certainly a shared pretended belief that "all men are
equal" did not help me one bit to get my rights.
(that I prefer
to call M.E.: The "/CFS" is added to facilitate search machines) which
is a disease I have since 1.1.1979: