7, 2014
Some of the poetry I wrote

1A. Sonnet 78

1B. For Judith - 1
2A. Sonnet 87
2B. For Judith - 2
3.    O Judith

4.    Afterword

About ME/CFS


This is a Nederlog of Thursday, August 7.

It is not a crisis log
but consists of some English poetry I wrote in 1985, when I was in love with a woman whose name was Judith. These are sonnets, and are preceded by two sonnets by Shakespeare, that did - in part - inspire the sonnets I wrote that follow them. There also is a brief afterword.
1A. Sonnet 78
So oft have I invoked thee for my Muse
And found such fair assistance in my verse
As every alien pen hath got my use
And under thee my poetry disperse.
Thine eyes, that taught the dumb on high to sing
And heavy ignorance aloft to fly,
Have added feathers to the learned's wing
And given grace a double majesty.
Yet be most proud of that which I compile,
Whose influence is thine and born of thee.
In others' works thou dost but mend the style,
And arts with thy sweet graces grac├Ęd be;
    But thou art all my art and dost advance
    As high as learning my rude ignorance.
1B. For Judith: 

Or so I feel when I see thee
And stand enrapt'd in awe and bliss
As all the me that is in me
Becomes engulfed by thee and all that is.
For all Nature seems to shine through thee
As I stand and stare and silently sing
In answer to the epiphany I see
For thou embodiest every thing.
Through thee I see all Nature flow
All shines through thee and thou in all -
So what can I do but gently bow
And tell thee how thou made'st me fall:
    That thou art all and all is thee
    And all in all make'st thou me see.

2A. Sonnet 87

Farewell: thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate.
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing:
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,
And for that riches where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me in wanting,
And so my patent back is swerving.
Thyself thou gav'st, thy own worth then not knowing,
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,
Comes home again, on better judgment making.
    Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter
    In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.

2B. For Judith: 

Goodbye: thou seem'd so good, so fair to me,
So much a fullfilment of my life's quest,
That I beheld all Nature's perfections in thee
And seeing thee I felt most heavenly bless'd.
Now thou tell'st me I am most sorely mistaken
And could'st neither love me nor like me nor be my friend,
And would'st believe me thou wish't of me be forsaken,
And desire'st that our companionship be put to an end.
As if I merely projected my fond false dreams onto thy face;
As if thou art blind to me and my great and heartfelt humanity:
As if the perfection thou has't presented to my stun'd gaze
Is nought to thee but a base projection of my blind stupidity.
   But is he blind who can see human perfection in a woman's face
   Or she who rejects such a vision as if it were a disgrace?
3. O Judith  

    In you I thought I saw all in all and all human perfection -
    Intelligence, courage and compassion found in you perfect expression;
    Yet seeing a human goddess I doubted my eyes and had a suspicion
    That no actual person could live up to all implied by such a vision.
    So I, hesitant yet struck to my core, asked you to meet me and know me
    To let our selves meet, mingle or merge and find out if we could see
    Whether the me in you and the you in me could grow into a shared we
    In which each could see each and all and realize our common humanity.
    Now, having met once you refuse to see me: It seems I shocked you
    With too much arrogance, too many ideas, and with strong poetry too -
    As if the less arrogant, less thinking, less poetical men you are used to
    Are kinder, more sensitive, more human than me: Could this be true?
        O Judith, are you sure I am neither worth meeting nor worth knowing;
        Are you sure true understanding and appreciation do not need growing?

4.  Afterword
In fact 1985 was the healthiest year I have had between 1979 and 2014, and I was the first half of that year very much in love with Judith, but it didn't work out, not so much because of things she did, but mostly - I think - because I was both impatient and hesitant, the last because of my disease.

I also suppose that I may have seemed a bit arrogant about ordinary men and women, which she did not like, quite in the spirit of the times, where in Holland almost everyone, including almost all intellectuals, affirmed proudly that "all men are equal". None of them seemed to have even seen the elementary deduction that, if so, they all were the equals of Eichmann, and none of them ever raised the point that intellectuals are much better paid than workers.

Also, while I did write some more poetry, mostly in English, I never felt much like writing poetry, and I did so almost only when I was in love. But then I could do it, as shown by the above, that also were all three written very fast.

As to the love I had: I think it is pretty rare, though some other men and women clearly have it too. It is quite romantic; no doubt quite idealistic; and also often false, in that one made assumptions about the person one loves that simply do not fit, and do not fit by a large margin.

This also was the case with Judith, with whom it started quite well, but who
rapidly showed she was more common than I thought, for she - and it was 1985, when this was all supposed to be very moral, while in 2014 it seems as if, for quite a few of my proud Dutch fellow men, one must have four Dutch grandparents to be deemed "equal" by real average Dutchmen - insisted to me that all men are equal and that I was too arrogant, which she did not like.

Well... I never denied that I may impress others as arrogant, indeed with some
reason also, but what choice do I have with an extremely high IQ, which whatever it means
[2] implies that I am more intelligent than most, except to say - occasionally, and not often - that I am quite intelligent, even while I was surrounded in 1985 by some 15 million men and women who all insisted, to the best of my knowledge, and evidently completely falsely and contrary to their own internal beliefs, that "all men are equal" - from Eichmann to Einstein? [3]

This was also my reason why my love for her was over, quite suddenly also: I do not mind it when ordinary people insist - quite falsely, I am convinced, simply from their statements about the near divine qualities of the soccerplayers and popular singers they admire - that "all are equal", but I do mind being equalized to the dumbest of the dumb, logically speaking, by a woman whom I loved.

Then again, I did not blame her: at least she was quite clear while I was quite mistaken. I have seen her quite a few times in the street in the years following 1985, though not anymore after the early nineties, and she always gazed at me with a fairly odd gaze, but I never renewed the brief and friendly acquaintance which we had had, indeed because she had insisted that all men are equal: I do not believe that and I do not pretend that I believe it either.

Finally, a remark about the poetry I wrote and reproduced above: it is quite close to what happened, but one of the important things for me that did influence me that is not mentioned is that I was ill, which tied me in and limited me considerably, in spite of the fact that 1985 was the best year between 1979 and 2014.


[1] Yet this does deductively follow, in case you doubt this. As for the Dutch:Nearly everyone said, between 1970 and 1990, very many times also, that "all men are equal". I did not believe that at all, and believed that at least the more intelligent all lied, but no one as much as admitted to me that someone who believes that all men "are equal" should believe that he or she and Eichmann are equals, for that logically follows.

In any case, here lies a large difference between me and the great majority of the Dutch, that probably is best covered by saying that nearly all lie very much easier than I do about anything they think they should conform to.

It is also true that my parents and grandparents were heroes of the resistance, and communists or anarchists; were all quite intelligent; did certainly not believe that "all men are equal" (except in terms of rights, which never was realized anywhere, the last 2500 years, and which is certainly not what most men meant); and that I got a communist education, that probably was more free and less dogmatic than that of most.

[2] For I do not really believe this is a good measure of intelligence, as is also shown by Richard Feynman's IQ of 125, which is plainly ridiculous.

[3] This is quite as it was, and I know that so well because I was faced with it many times in the University of Amsterdam, which was in part because I just could not believe that the people claiming it (students and staff) were honest, but I never could move anyone from their completely false and dishonest pretended  "conviction" that they were as good as anyone, and anyone was as good as they were.

This probably explains rather a lot about me, since I could never believe this and never said this. In fact, everyone is unique, and there is no common measure for all that is both just and rationally founded.

And certainly a shared pretended belief that  "all men are equal" did not help me one bit to get my rights.

About ME/CFS (that I prefer to call M.E.: The "/CFS" is added to facilitate search machines) which is a disease I have since 1.1.1979:
1. Anthony Komaroff

Ten discoveries about the biology of CFS(pdf)

3. Hillary Johnson

The Why  (currently not available)

4. Consensus (many M.D.s) Canadian Consensus Government Report on ME (pdf - version 2003)
5. Consensus (many M.D.s) Canadian Consensus Government Report on ME (pdf - version 2011)
6. Eleanor Stein

Clinical Guidelines for Psychiatrists (pdf)

7. William Clifford The Ethics of Belief
8. Malcolm Hooper Magical Medicine (pdf)
Maarten Maartensz
Resources about ME/CFS
(more resources, by many)

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