April 19, 2013

About Nederlog
1. About Nederlog
About ME/CFS


Yesterday I wrote briefly about Gore Vidal and why I do not write more than briefly about the DSM-5. Today there is some text on the topic of Nederlog.

1. About Nederlog

I have been mostly - not: only - writing the entries in Nederlog during the last month or so with considerable difficulty.

This is a bit odd, because I am feeling better now than I have been doing most of the last 11 months, when I did not have such trouble writing them, and because I seem to be getting to be like myself again, which - I can assure you - I have certainly not been doing since June 2012 at the latest, the reason being especially my eyes, which I feel all the time - or at least: have felt all the time, until some ten days ago, when I stopped feeling them some of the time, which indeed was and is quite pleasant.

What is the reason I am now having problems with Nederlog? I am not sure.

Until 2012, the Nederlogs existed because at some time during the day I felt like writing one, and generally did so, usually very fast, in one go, and without any hesitation. Also, I generally had sufficient energy to do something besides that, though this differed, and usually not immediately after writing a Nederlog.

My main difficulty since 2012 is mostly the speed with which I write: It is considerably less, mainly because I feel - or felt - my eyes most of the time, which makes it quite a lot harder for me to enter and remain in the state of flow (<= Wikipedia, and something you ought to take a look at, if you want to understand this exposition).

Now that this has been going better again, at least the last 10 days, when I have slept my previously quite normal near 8 hours for the first time since nearly a year (!)[1], one would expect that this would make writing easier, but it did not.

In fact, it seems to have made it a bit more difficult.

Then again, another odd thing is that, while I have had no serious problems whatsoever for sleeping what must have been months of 4-5 hours of sleep each 24 hours, which was and is so unexpected and strange that I have made it an important reason for recommending B12 for people with my type of disease (since this was the only factor involved that differed from the preceding 32 years), I am only now getting problems, at a time these problems should disappear.

And mind you what it is that I am getting problems with: With sleeping, and not with other things, for I have been changing things for about a month now. I cleaned more; I went out some more; I wrote some more ... it's just these Nederlogs that are  giving me problems, and one problem is that I am usually feeling "tired" ("fatigued", exhausted) when I want to be writing some Nederlog.

Having thought about it, I conclude that it is mostly the
flow-problem: I certainly have not felt less tired during a large part of the period of Nederlog-writing, but I could usually put a stop to it through being busily engaged e.g. on writing a Nederlog.

The price for that was normally that I was more tired when I had finished it, but did not feel tired while writing it, and it is precisely that which now is absent: it is difficult to start a flow and keep it going until the end of the article has been achieved. In fact, this usually does not happen.

So that's one problem mostly laid to rest: I need to be able to get into a state of
flow that maintains itself until I finish the article - but I cannot do this, either at all or uninterruptedly, when I am feeling my eyes nearly continuously.

Having solved that problem, let me consider a few others:

First, there is the problem of topics; next, there is the problem of lengths; and third there is the problem of Nederlog itself.

Topics. Generally, I get a topic briefly before writing about it, write about it, and that's it. I almost never do any research, and I almost never think: I know what I think anyway, and all I need to do is to write it out.

This has been different during the last month, or somewhat less, and it seems the main problem was and is that I have decided to change Nederlog some.

I have written about this before, and the general idea is that I return to how it was until 2010: Far less concern about ME/CFS, and (far) more about other topics, indeed of any kind, the only condition being that they interest or concern  me.

Again, this is not so much - at the moment: this really was a problem most of the last year - due to having very little energy, but due to the combination of having written a lot about ME/CFS since 2010, and having done that in English rather than in Dutch, while also I have given up most of Holland.

But OK: This is clear enough, and shows I need to do some more thinking about how to shift back, and indeed some more thinking about whether I want to keep Nederlog in English.

Lengths. Again, this usually did not produce a problem - I started writing, and had my piece when I stopped. As it is now, at least the last month or so, I stop fairly often, and check how much I have.

That is not a good way of doing it, but probably will solve itself.

Nederlogs. As it happens, I do not need a Nederlog anymore, since the end of 2011, when I was adviced, in witing, that I do not need to do any solliciting, and do not need to work, until May 1, 2015, which is just a week before I get to be 65, and become pensionable.

Until then, I did need some sort of Nederlog, to show I could defend myself in writing, and be sure of being read. [2] In fact, I feel quite sure it is due to - especially, but not solely - Nederlog that I am still alive, even though my situation in the dole has been abnormal since it's very beginning in 1984.  [3]

Now it is hard to decide that, but that is hard only because everything in Amsterdam has been kept in the dark for me: No question of mine has been answered, not even for very elementary things, and I have been lied to interminably. (I forego illustrating that here. See ME in Amsterdam, if you read Dutch and want to know.)

I therefore take it as I have put it here, and provisionally decide that while there is no real need for a Nederlog these days, there still is a desire to have them, on my part.

So where does this leave me?

Basically, where I was before writing this, except that I have gained some clarity:

My problems are basically due to not being able to write with
flow and to not having made my mind up on how to change Nederlog - and will most probably disappear if I get less pain and come to some sort of decision about Nederlog.

Well... it's something, even if it may not have satisfied my readers. Then again, this is the best I can do for the moment.


[1] That is quite true. Also, the absolutely only explanation for this very odd fact is that I had, all the time from April 2012 onwards, extremely high B12 values, which I did not have any time before, or at least not any time before 2010. Also, it is quite true that before that even one night with sleep less than 6 hours was enough to cause me very serious problems, I think since 1.1.1979, when I first fell ill, and I know for certain since 1992, when I at last could escape from the house I lived in.

[2] That is also quite true. I do not think this was really serious until 2007, but then it did get quite serious, and since I could only do what I said I could do, I really would have been dead if I had given in.

[3] That is: 27 years of being made into a member of the dole while I was ill, without any sign that I was not ill, but until 2007 - that is: for 23 years - no need to do any work or any solliciting. If I had been a member of the Dutch academic world I could have had a pension at my 53rd, around 2003.

About ME/CFS (that I prefer to call M.E.: The "/CFS" is added to facilitate
(that I prefer to call M.E.: The "/CFS" is added to facilitate
search machines) which is a disease I have since 1.1.1979:
1. Anthony Komaroff

Ten discoveries about the biology of CFS(pdf)

3. Hillary Johnson

The Why  (currently not available)

4. Consensus (many M.D.s) Canadian Consensus Government Report on ME (pdf - version 2003)
5. Consensus (many M.D.s) Canadian Consensus Government Report on ME (pdf - version 2011)
6. Eleanor Stein

Clinical Guidelines for Psychiatrists (pdf)

7. William Clifford The Ethics of Belief
8. Malcolm Hooper Magical Medicine (pdf)
Maarten Maartensz
Resources about ME/CFS
(more resources, by many)

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